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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24813952">Exploration</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Runar/pseuds/Runar'>Runar</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Star Trek: Deep Space Nine</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Is it masturbation if it's based on your worm's previous lives????, Other, mention of various DS9 characters, no beta we die like men, non-human anatomy, seriously this is unedited so like be nice, treating ezri as a cis woman</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-06-21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-06-21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-04 02:22:01</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,693</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24813952</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Runar/pseuds/Runar</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Ezri Dax is newly Joined. She thought she was ready, but no-one warned her about the past host in her head whispering dirty, filthy things!</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Ezri Dax/Jadzia Dax, ezri and past selves</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>7</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Deep Space Niners Kink Swap 2020</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Exploration</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><ul class="associations">
      <li>For <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/gwenynnefydd/gifts">em arzhur (gwenynnefydd)</a>.</li>



    </ul></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>When Starfleet approached Ezri, and not so kindly assigned her to accept the Dax symbiote, it came with many reassurances that "Yes, yes, you will get counseling and support," and "We care about your well-being, of course you will get all the resources at our disposal to help you adjust."</p><p>Ezri isn't stupid. Every Trill learned about the symboites, and it was every Trill's dream to become joined. It was also drilled into them that joining was a daunting challenge, and not everyone was cut out for it. It was long ago when Ezri had given up on the childhood dream of joining, she was already struggling with existing as herself. She knew she should have been happy, but more than anything she felt the weight of obligation as the "Yes, sir," passed her lips. </p><p>After the hasty procedure, Ezri spent the duration of the trip in her quarters recovering. Not that the doctor had botched the surgery, no, it was flawless as could be expected. There was only a few hours notice before Dax was implanted, and those few hours of reading up were summarily insufficient. She isolated herself en route to Deep Space 9 out of necessity. </p><p>Ezri laid there staring into nothing, and letting the sounds of different memories leave her mouth unfiltered, as she muttered nonsense. <em>'This,'</em> she thought, <em>'is the worst experience of my life.'</em></p><p>The clinical part of her brain recognized experiences as they occurred to her. She recognized the trace presence of trauma based disorders in the memories of several different lives. There had been professional debate and discussion on if symbiotes could incur psychological illness from their hosts back on Trill, however Ezri hadn't expected such a topic to be relevant to her day-to-day work in Starfleet and chose not to read it. </p><p>Oh hindsight. </p><p>A few hours after the surgery, the tsunami of information slowed to rocky waves, and Ezri was able to function again. What was it she was inheriting? As the first day passed, she would find herself overtaken with impulses she didn't know to anticipate. Ezri reassured herself that with time, she would adjust. This was natural. All joined Trill navigated this. Afterall there wouldn't be so many memories, if there weren't so many people who survived this stage. </p><p>The second day came upon her and she managed to hold her impulsivity at bay for an hour at a time. Not that these foreign impulses went away, but that she recognized an impulse as it settled upon her, and she learned to choose to ignore it. A few in person visits from the doctor, and shipmates proved her new restraint essential. The most improbable desire to break out into a gymnastics routine appeared in front of her department head, and it was only barely that she reigned it in.  </p><p>Quietly though, during this adjustment period, she also felt something.. more. Logically she knew it was the strengthening chemical connection to Dax, but it <em>felt</em> as if a door had been opened. </p><p>Normally, she gave advice to patients on how to build up skill sets, and metaphorical tools that could then be used to address their various psychological problems. This newly opened door felt as though it lead to a workshop, filled with tools she would otherwise not have access to. It turns out she now instinctively knew deep relaxation breathing exercises, and would even feel the inclination to use them when emotions ran high. There was a confidence now, an assurance she felt in her existence that had never been present before. </p><p>She could feel Dax, as a warm steady influence. Almost like a guiding hand at the small of her back, steady and supportive. </p><p>The dreams were the most intense however. Flashes of death and horror seared through her nights. During the day time the lighter and happier memories would randomly surface. She had no chance to sort each memory into it's fitting lifetime yet, it was too soon and everything felt like so much. As Deep Space 9 loomed in her nearing future, Ezri read as much as she could on joining. Hoping that the dry emotionless text would give her the stability needed to function on the space station. </p><p>None of it was helpful. </p><p>In fact any of the helpful aspects that could have been gleaned from the reading was actively derailed by Dax's most recent host: Jadzia. It made sense, seeing as how she was the most recent, that her influence would be the strongest. It wasn't as though Jadzia was actively talking to Ezri... it was more like Jadzia's thoughts would surface in response to something. </p><p>For example, when she received a message regarding duty rotation, a thought that was distinctly from Jadzia said, <em>'This is a waste of time.'</em> </p><p>Ezri didn't know if this was a memory, an echo of the dead woman, like when a body twitches after it dies, or if this was a new and fresh response generated by the symboite, and using Jadzia to do it. And based on the dry reading material, nobody else knew either. Not that an answer really did matter in the end. Ezri would have to cope regardless. </p><p>There was a blending in identities occurring, seeping into the cracks of her. Already she felt the instinctive comfort in calling herself "Dax." It has been such a short time, and yet it felt right. It felt normal. It felt as though she had been Dax all her life, which was objectively horrifying, but practically soothing. </p><p>She still felt like herself, and at the same moment she felt as she had never imagined she could ever feel. It was as though half of herself had become a stranger, and it was only just now that she realized it. </p><p>There was one thing that the books and resources never covered. Never even hinted at. But then again, how could Starfleet have ever been prepared for Jadzia?</p><p>It started in the bathroom, as Ezri went to undress for her shower. Slipping the uniform off, and down her arm felt disturbingly like a caress. Startling to say the least, seeing as how she was alone. She felt the impulse to use water instead of sonic, and gave in without assessing who the impulse originated from. She would be changing command to DS9 in the next few days, she could afford to use up her water allotment. It was a pleasure she usually reserved for shore leave, but several parts of herself purred in enjoyment as the warmth enveloped her. </p><p>Ezri let her mind wander, and assess her to-do list. She needed to shift her remaining case load to the relief counselor, and would need to return items to supply, and give her face-to-face goodbyes before downloading her curated library-</p><p>Before she knew it, her thoughts were interrupted by unexpected sensation, and found her hand between her legs, gently teasing herself. All thoughts of work stopped and realized that she was decidedly turned on! Surely it wasn't thoughts of organizing her personalized meal patterns that did it. It had been a rather long time since she focused on her own pleasure but this was absolutely not the time for such a thing. </p><p>She should have known this wasn't the end. </p><hr/><p>The space station was less than a day away, and Ezri Dax was given a list of the command chain. She had been warned that Jadzia had been serving there, however Ezri's transfer to the station had been approved long ago, and she'd agreed to try and serve her rotation despite the coincidence. A surreal dizziness came over her as the read the names on the list, and she distinctly knew the faces of these familiar strangers. </p><p>She remembered, and realized that this assignment may be more complicated than she anticipated. A part of her yearned to walk the familiar halls again, and slip into the comfortable setting. Ezri put the pad down, and tried to distract herself from those thoughts, and turned to leave but- </p><p><em>'Maybe I can finally learn what a Bajoran tastes like.' </em>Came to her, along with a very clear memory of scantily clad Bajoran women in distractingly low cut tops. </p><p>BAM! Ezri walked right into the edge of the doorframe, and spun sideways, completely thrown off. Her heart was racing for more than one reason. Sure, she'd seen women before, but never had she considered them attractive. It must have been Jadzia again. There had been a passing mention of sexuality shifting in the research, but it wasn't common. Was she..? No, it's too soon. One passing thought isn't indicative of anything. It's fine. </p><p>A pleasant flush remained across her cheeks, as she worked to distract herself, and instead began to practice how she was going to introduce herself to the new crew. </p><p>Sitting, she imagined Sisko's face, and felt the rush of familiar and warm affection. This would be the third lifetime with the man, and she hoped that she could win him over yet again. <em>'No. Focus. What are you going to say?'</em></p><p>The exercise took well over an hour, as Jadzia's thoughts frequently popped up making jokes and dredging up goofy memories for each of the crew members. It did a lot to ease Ezri's awkward anxiety at least. </p><hr/><p>Stepping through the airlock into the Promenade was beyond strange. It was made even stranger when an Edosian walked by, and Ezri felt the impulse to sensually lick the person's bald head. In a desperate attempt to regain control Ezri shook her head and located the Ensign assigned to welcome her. It was mere minutes into the conversation with the young man when Ezri was shaken for a second time as a Caitian passed by and she was viscerally reminded of how fur had felt beneath her hand, and the sensation of wet warm heat as it passed her lips.</p><p>Her entire face flushed deep red, <em>'Oh my! I'd been- Jadzia had been real busy that night!'</em>  Ezri dropped one of her bags. Considerately, the escort scooped up the bag, and misinterpreted the blush. He explained cheerfully that DS9 tended to be even more diverse that the fleet, and to expect interactions with countless non-Federation species. It's a shame that Ezri was the counselor on board, because if this didn't subside then Ezri was sure she would need a counselor for herself!</p><p>As fortune would have it, the rest of her day was free of sexual confusion, mostly due to the unbearable awkwardness that saturated her re-introductions. Especially, the pain that accompanied seeing Worf from a distance. Deliberately she avoided the portion of the station where their quarters resided. That was a pain she was not ready for. In fact, she had not been ready for almost every aspect of today. </p><p>She really wanted a drink. It was probably reckless, and lowering inhibitions would probably bite her in the ass but meditative breathing wasn't appealing at the moment. Decision made, Ezri put on her civies and marched down to Quarks. One way or another she was determined to end her day better than how it started. </p><hr/><p>Three drinks in Ezri realized that lowering her inhibitions and then exposing herself to the most sexualized place on the station was indeed a recipe for disaster. Her only real saving grace was that there was no external way to expose just how turned on she'd become, her flush could mean several different things afterall. Though dwelling on various different types of anatomy at the moment only compounded her issues. Oogling the dabo girls was the safest past-time at the moment. And it was fascinating. She'd never really experienced these sorts of carnal reactions to women before, and it was different than her past experiences with men to be sure. </p><p>Throughout her time at Quarks, she'd been inundated with images and sensations courtesy of Jadzia's <em>numerous</em> and <em>varied</em> conquests. Ezri was happy to sit alone, perusing Jadzia's memories felt almost like she was having a conversation with the woman herself, and thus Ezri didn't feel the least bit alone. Suppose that is the beauty of being a joined Trill; loneliness was kept consistently at bay. </p><p>Ezri sat, smiling to herself, and eyeing most everyone who wandered by like a lech. Jadzia has so many opinions to share, the most interesting of which was her theories on how a Trill could potentially react to sexual contact with a Bolian. A topic she'd apparently broached with Julian, but she had never received a satisfactory answer. Apparently there had been a few unsuccessful attempts between Trill and Bolians, but Jadzia was convinced there was a medical solution that was never explored. </p><p><em>'Imagine Julian, if you were the one to find a solution! You'd be lauded as a hero! This could be your claim to fame!'  </em>The memory made Ezri giggle. Jadzia had been partly fucking with Julian and partly sincerely earnest. Even offered herself up as a sacrifice, aka test subject, upon the altar of science. But sitting there Ezri could see the the appeal. Or she thought she could see the appeal? Maybe she could just see the echo of Jadzia's appeal? If the echo of Jadzia's appeal, was indeed still appealing to Ezri, did that make it any less valid? </p><p>One more drink then, if she was still wondering things like this, then decided that would be the end of her night. It wasn't often that she had actual alcohol and already she knew a headache was on the horizon. Quark had been intently interested in exactly how much Ezri remembered, but quickly began to mind his own business when she recounted just how much latinum he owed her. Leave it to money to cause Quark manners to suddenly appear.</p><p>Ezri, before she was Ezri Dax, had lead a rather quiet life, and it was only Ezri Dax, who realized it. There truly was a menagerie of experiences out there that had not yet been explored. Jadzia wasn't the only one who had offered their own opinion on the topic, though she was the loudest and most diverse. Curzon had more frequent activity in bed, but seemed to have stuck to a specific type, whereas Jadzia had been both prolific and exploratory. Also Curzon was the sort to boast about conquests that never occurred, he wore his tales like an armor, more focused drawing a reaction out of his listeners than telling the truth. Now that Ezri understood, intimately, how some of the Trill men she had slept with may have felt, it certainly colored her own specific memories in a different light. </p><p>By the end of her last drink Ezri was fidgeting in her seat, pressing her thighs together in ignored arousal. There were a few species out there who would be able to sense what she was struggling to keep at bay, one of which was Betazoid, who would not only be aware in the general sense but also a more specific and awkward sense. She decided it was time to go back to her room, she hadn't planned to pick anyone up anyways, she was only looking to take a real shitty day and make it more tolerable. It just so happened that Jadzia had her own idea of how that would work. </p><p>Nauseatingly, Ezri began to head back to her old quarters with Worf, before changing gears and heading to the her new quarters. No, not new. Just her quarters, her only quarters. She's never been here, she insisted to herself. As she returned safely, she found herself humming a melody that Audrid had sung to her children. It was soothing, distracting, and welcome. </p><p>With the disregard that only came from inebriation, Ezri shed her clothes and collapsed on top of the bed. Out of Curzon's habit, she instructed the temperature be lowered five degrees in preparation for sleep, only to reverse the order minutes later when it was too cold for comfort. The sillness and silence of their room- no her room, was too much so Ezri decided to play some music for background noise. <em>Someone</em> had heard soothing but engaging music on Risa, and choose that. </p><p>After a short eternity Ezri realized that her body would simply not quiet down. There was a small storm of chemicals swimming through her veins that demanded attention. Surely, surely, she was not the only Trill to suffer through this. I mean of course she could remember all the other lifetimes when she'd had to take care of herself. She's felt pent-up and frustrated in those lives as well. She did not recall having to deal with previous hosts sexuality mere days after joining though, <em>'So thank you for that Jadzia.'</em></p><p>Ezri began to cave and allowed her hands to explore. There was a spike of shame that ran though her, as for just a moment she viewed Dax as a separate entity watching her in judgement, before soothing affirmation came over her. Dax had experienced much, and the simple act of touching oneself was so very far from shameful. Yes this joining was different, unique even, but that was exactly the sort of experiences symboites sought out. Dax was here for the long run, and Ezri let go of the dissonant thoughts. </p><p>She decided to let her thoughts wander and see where Jadzia or anyone else took them. They were a part of her now, and if there was ever a way to explore them, well this would be it right? Better alone than having impulses overcome her suddenly with another person around. </p><p>Quite immediately, she felt the desire to taste, and well, there wasn't much to satisfy that but used her fingers to trace her lips teasingly. Jadzia helpfully supplied a memory from somewhere at some point, where she'd pinned a Denobulan while sparring and was gloriously kissing them. Quite unexpectedly Tobin sprung to the forefront and provided the thrilling sensation that touching himself had given, so very different from what Ezri was used to. She reached her other hand down to mimic the movements, but found her hands empty. Awkwardly she'd gotten lost and forgotten exactly which sort of body she was currently in. However, Tobin's encouragement didn't fade, and she eagerly began to trace her fingers in circles around her sensitive clit. </p><p>It almost felt as though Tobin's thoughts were shoved aside under the weight of Jadzia's once again. She recalled as strong, very strong, hands seized her hips and held her fast. In the heat and excitement of the memory there was a small flurry as various sensations overcame Ezri. The feeling of hands in her hair, and the taste of who knows what on her tongue. Simultaneously she felt her legs pushed open and felt herself sliding into a warm willing body. </p><p>Disturbingly, there was a moment of jarring discord as the memory of squeezing a man's throat sliced through the array of emotions, as Joran surfaced. He'd been aroused by violence, and Ezri had been unprepared. Fortunately the toolbox of coping mechanisms came in handy as Ezri knew to acknowledge Joran's experience for what it was and push her thoughts deliberately elsewhere. That was one lesson learned alright. </p><p>The interruption had dampened her enjoyment, but had been brief enough to no ruin the entire evening. Creeping up on her was the wave of experiences again, and almost like a proximity alert she could tell it was coming. Her hand continued to circle her clit, as it was a known way to please herself, as her other hand began to tease and pinch a nipple. She'd never given them much attention before, but something from Lela insisted upon it. Someone, helpfully shared their memory of a dark alley tryst as they'd been bent over by a lover for a quicky. The electric rush of risk swept through Ezri in an unfamiliar crash. She'd never experienced high-risk sex like that before, and damn if it wasn't exhilarating! </p><p>She heard herself moan a name that was new and safe. At this point her hips began to buck, and she decided to dedicate both hands to the task, and abandoned her breast. Her left hand took up the task of satisfying her clit, as he right hand moved on to insert itself, curving to press on a known sweet spot. Ezri swore she could feel actual teeth sinking into her shoulder, passionate and rough. Emony, with impressive stamina, recounted one of the few times she'd ever truly pushed her limits and the over-sensitization that came with it. </p><p>Ezri felt her leg kick out in response, overwhelmed as well for a moment. How Emony survived a pleasure so sharp, and strong was amazing. It seemed Jadzia had a contender for outstanding experiences. Ezri felt her right hand strain in her enthusiasm, and her left hand was starting to complain, but that wasn't going to stop her from finding her own completion. She was close and could feel it. If she'd had someone here to lavish her with attention, surely she would have cum already. </p><p>Almost taking that as an invitation Jadzia emerged with the sensation of her own self exploration using a toy wholly unfamiliar to Ezri. Almost in curiosity she watched as her new memory unfolded. The toy, which she could feel Jadzia was high anticipating, seemed to have a unique C-curve. Jadzia inserted it and fitted the tip of the curve against her own clit, which Ezri recognized as being slightly larger than her own. Jadzia switched the device on, and Ezri's whole body went taught. A silent scream was on her lips as she was shot through with pure pleasure. The memory of this toy alone was enough to shoot Ezri over the edge. </p><p>Several long minutes later Ezri, panting alone in bed, she wondered if her scream was in fact silent, as she felt her ears ringing. She chuckled a bit at the ridiculousness of the situation. She was alone in bed, absolutely alone, and yet it felt as though she'd just had the most intense group sex. Surely it wasn't like this every time? No wonder Jadzia had such a libido. </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I don't recall the details of Ezri's arc, so I put what I'd wanted to put. So I'm aware this is likely not faithful to some of the details from the show.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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